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Russia Travel Guide Despite
Russia for Travelers - City Transit You are here: About > Travel > Eastern Europe for Visitors > Ways to Travel > Metro Systems > Russia for Travelers - City Transit Travel Go Eastern Europe Essentials Best of Eastern Europe Map of Central/Eastern Europe Photo Gallery Country Profiles Discount Travel Websites Articles & Resources Planning Your Trip Ways to Travel What to Do in East Europe Maps for Eastern Europe Czech-SlovakTravel Hungary Travel Poland Travel Russia-Belarus-Ukraine Romania-Moldova Travel Baltic Travel Balkan Travel Culture and Holidays Photo Galleries East Europe Travel and Language Books Forums Help FREE Newsletter Sign Up Now for the Eastern Europe for Visitors newsletter! See Online Courses Search Eastern Europe for Visitors Russian metro tokesn Stay up to date! Russian metro tokesn Email to a friend Print this page Elsewhere on the Web St Petersburg Metro Map Moscow Metro Map Moscow Tram Website Most Popular First Christmas Tree Europe map Best of Eastern Europe Croatia Naturism and Nudism Discount Travel Websites What's Hot Krakow Photo Gallery Profiles of Eastern Europe Moscow City Profile Czech Republic Photo Gallery - Charles Bridge and castle Sofia's Religous Buildings Related Topics Hotels / Resorts / Inns European History Architecture Air Travel Europe for Visitors City Transit - Russia From Apply Now , Your Guide to Eastern Europe for Visitors . FREE Newsletter. Sign Up Now! Russia Travel Guide Despite the proliferation of private vehicles in Russia in the last decade, the majority of residents still rely on public transportation to get around, especially for city travel. Therefore, if you also travel on city transit sytems, you'll have plenty of company. While you will find reasonable public transportation routes in larger cities, be prepared for limited options as you get off the beaten track.
In all of Russia, only six cities have underground metro systems: Moscow, St. Petersburg, Yekaterinburg, Nizhniy Novgorod, Novosibirsk, and Samara. Buses and trams supplement these systems and also are the main city transit vehicles in other areas. In general, public transportation in Russia needs infrastructure modernization but lack of funding keeps improvements minimal.
The cost of public transportation in Russia is heavily subsidized, with costs ranging from four to 10 rubles (15-35 US cents).
Moscow
Moscow has four types of mass transit: the metro, trams, buses, and trolleybuses.
Metro. Moscow's best public transportation is the metro. With over 200 stops, you can get to just about everywhere you want to in the city. Metro entrances are marked with "M" signs. It's worth a visit to the metro just to see some of the stations with their elaborate and beautiful architecture. Trains run very frequently, at least every two to three minutes. They can be very crowded during peak hours.
Buses, Trolleybuses, Trams. Moscow has one kind of ticket for all three types of vehicles. You can buy them at kiosks or at metro stations, or from the conductor in the vehicle. When you get on board, look for a little metal box to punch your ticket. Don't lose your ticket until you get off.
Taxis. There are a number of taxi companies in Moscow. Like elsewhere in Russia, avoid gypsy cabs by phoning ahead for a taxi or asking your hotel to arrange one for you. If you arrive at the Moscow airport, you will see a number of drivers clamoring for your business. It's better to go outside and line up at the taxi queue, where regulated taxis can be found.
St. Petersburg
The city offers a metro, buses, trams, trolleybuses, taxis and boats.
Metro. The metro has four lines and 55 stations. You can pay with either tokens or passes purchased at stations. The metro runs from about 5:45 AM until around midnight. See the box at the upper right to see a map of the metro system.
Trams. If you'd rather travel above ground, jump on a tram. Tram stops have a "T" on the signs near the tracks. Trams have conductors whom you can pay directly or show your monthly pass.
Buses. Bus stops have an "A" on their signs (stands for avtobus). Regular buses also have conductors whom you can pay or show your pass. T-buses (taxi buses) and E-buses (express buses) take cash only and get you to your destination a bit faster.
Marshrutki are passenger vans that cost only about three rubles (10 US cents) and take you to your destination.
Trolleybuses. These vehicles are buses that are connected to overhead electric lines to give them power. Their signs are also marked by a "T."
Taxis. Taxis are more expensive than mass transit. They should have a meter that shows fares according to distance. If you need a taxi, you can flag one down in the street or ask your hotel to call one for you. Often you can find taxis in front of hotels. Russia Travel Guide Index
Profile of Russia
City Profile: Moscow
City Profile: St. Petersburg
Before You Go
Need to Know
Money Matters
Intercity Travel
City Transit
Driving
Health and Safety
Lodging
Dining and Drinking
Communications
Shopping
Topic Index | Email to a Friend Our Story | Be a Guide | Advertising Info | Work at About | Site Map | Icons | Help User Agreement | Ethics Policy | Patent Info. | Privacy Policy | Kids' Privacy Policy ©2005 About, Inc., A part of the New York Times Company . All rights reserved. Around About New Video iPod - Review POLL: Must-Have Gadgets VIDEO: Portable Gaming VIDEO: Choosing a TV Hugh Hefner's Life What's Hot Krakow Photo Gallery Profiles of Eastern Europe Moscow City Profile Czech Republic Photo Gallery - Charles Bridge and castle Sofia's Religous Buildings
France Travel and Vacation
August France Travel and Vacation Planner You are here: About > Travel > France for Visitors > Things to Do in France > France Monthly Calendar > August France Travel and Vacation Planner Travel Go France Essentials New Year's Eve in Paris and France Worst of France 2005 Paris Travel Guide Top French Ski Resorts Best New Year's Eve Champagne Articles & Resources Destinations Trip Planning Transportation Interests & Situations Money, Safety & Issues Things to Do in France Where to Stay in France Staying Connected Blogs Picture Galleries Culture, Language & People Fun, Freebies & Quizes Relocating to France Nudism, Sex & Gay Travel D-Day & Historic Travel Buyer's Guide Before You Buy Top Picks Sites Selling French Products Before You Buy the Gift of Travel Gifts for the France Fanatic Product Reviews Forums Help FREE Newsletter Sign Up Now for the France for Visitors newsletter! See Online Courses Search France for Visitors Stay up to date! Email to a friend Print this page Suggested Reading France in June France Travel in August Holidays and Events in France Related Blogs Dispatches from France Blog Paris Blog French Word-a-Day Blog La Coquette Blog Chroniques dune Fraise Nice Blog Rsidence Les Marronniers Provence Blog L'Oiseau Blog Chocolate and Zucchini Blog Forty Days in Paris Blog Most Popular "Naked City" Christmas in Paris Photo Tour Paris Sex District Top Paris Attractions Christmas in France What's Hot New Year's Eve in France Paris Gay Pride Parade Host A France-Themed Party Nice, France Photo Gallery Camping in France Related Topics Europe for Visitors French Language French Cuisine Honeymoons / Romantic Getaways Wine France Travel in August From Kelby Carr , Your Guide to France for Visitors . FREE Newsletter. Sign Up Now! Warm Weather, Vacation Attitude are Key Aspects August is normally a great vacation month, but in France (and especially in the north) it can be problematic. Most people get the month of August off in France, meaning you may find some shops are closed. Still, attractions are usually open and it can be a bit quieter than the rest of the year. The South of France tends to be quite packed this year, as many northerners head to the beaches. There is a festive, summer-vacation spirit here, and there are many festivals. Depending on your destination, the weather can be a bit too balmy, but it is surprisingly moderate in most of France. Weather The weather can be a bit extreme in August. There are major variations in climate depending on where you are in France, but here are some major cities: Paris : Average high temperature is 24 degrees celsius/75 degrees farenheit, and the average low is 13.9 celcius, 57 farenheit. Average rainfall is 55.2 millimeters, or 2.2 inches. Nice : Average high temperature is 26.7 degrees celsius/80 degrees farenheit, with the average low at 20 degrees celcius/68 degrees farenheit. Average rainfall is 31.6 millimeters, or 1.2 inches. Bordeaux : Average high temperature is 26.1 degrees celsius, 79 degrees farenheit, and the average low is 15 celcius/59 farenheit. Average rainfall is 59.1 millimeters, or 2.3 inches. Strasbourg : Average high temperature is 24 degrees celsius, or 75 degrees farenheit, and the average low is 14 celcius/55 farenheit. Average rainfall is 70.4 millimeters, or 2.8 inches. What to pack It can be challenging to pack for France, particularly if you will visit multiple cities. For the most part, this is a mild time of year. Be prepared for either hot days or cool nights, however. Your packing list should include: Sun screen Light clothes Flip flops Good walking shoes A bathing suit Get more ideas with my Packing Tips . Why to go in August Enjoy summer vacation the way the locals do The weather is warm All museums and attractions are open, usually with extended summertime hours There is a great vacation atmosphere Why not to visit France in August The closings! It can be a real letdown to find things shut down for vacations Airfare and lodging is expensive There can be some really hot days Events and festivals Bayonne Festival , which features bullfights, cow racing, dancing and a general festive atmosphere in this lovely Basque city near the Spanish border. Musique in Perigord , in Audrix, features young, up and coming musicians performing in the lovely Aquitaine countryside. Buzet Wine Festival Festival on the Champagne Route Cooking Festival in Pointe-à-Pitre Monte Carlo Internation Fireworks Festival
Chicago Vacation
Family Vacation Tip: Chicago Greeters You are here: About > Travel > Travel with Kids Travel Travel with Kids Essentials Family Vacation Ideas Winter and Spring Break All-Inclusive Resorts Ten Latest Family Travel Deals Family Resorts: top places; photos Articles & Resources Family Travel: What's Hot Top Vacation Spots VT, ME, NH, CT, MA, NY, PA Mexico Family Vacations Caribbean Vacations More Beach Vacations Florida Family Vacations Resorts with Water Park More Family Resorts Fun Places for Kids Disney Vacations Family Cruises Babies;Teens;Single Parents Lots More Destinations Family Travel TIPS, GAMES Buyer's Guide TAKE ALONG: Christmas books Christmas flicks Activity Kits more CHRISTMAS GIFT IDEAS Forums Help FREE Newsletter Sign Up Now for the Travel with Kids newsletter! See Online Courses Search Travel with Kids Family Vacation Tip: Chicago Greeters Travel with Kids Blog « Family Vacation Idea: USVI | Main | Family Vacations: Disney World » December 22, 2003 Family Vacation Tip: Chicago Greeters Visiting Chicago? Get a (free!) introduction to the city with your own personal guide, courtesy of the City of Chicago Greeter Program . Similar to the terrific Big Apple Greeters in NYC. Email a Friend Display Latest Headlines Read Archives Advertisement Most Popular Charades -How To Play Charades Family Vacation Spots The Atlantis Resort Great Places to See Santa Disney Christmas Magic Kingdom What's Hot Grand Floridian Chinese New Year - 2006 Poconos Great Wolf Lodge photo Dog Friendly Hotels, inns, lodges -- find dog-friendly vacat... Kwanzaa Related Topics Florida for Visitors New England for Visitors Theme Parks Hotels / Resorts / Inns Parenting of K-6 Children Topic Index | Email to a Friend Our Story | Be a Guide | Advertising Info | Work at About | Site Map | Icons | Help User Agreement | Ethics Policy | Patent Info. | Privacy Policy | Kids' Privacy Policy ©2005 About, Inc., A part of the New York Times Company . All rights reserved. Around About New Video iPod - Review POLL: Must-Have Gadgets VIDEO: Portable Gaming VIDEO: Choosing a TV Hugh Hefner's Life What's Hot Grand Floridian Chinese New Year - 2006 Poconos Great Wolf Lodge photo Dog Friendly Hotels, inns, lodges -- find dog-friendly vacat... Kwanzaa Headlines Bunch of family travel deals Latest deals added include a January Travel Special at the... First Nights! "First Night" events celebrate New Year's with family-friendly festivities-- and... Top Family Travel Trends in 2005 It's that time of year... to pause the mad dash... Bookmark the NORAD Tracks Santa site! It's not a family trip, but it's certainly a trip...
European Vacation," was just
feature National Lampoon's European Vacation "NATIONAL LAMPOONS EUROPEAN VACATION Intro Oh, my goodness -- is this really the last night of Joe Bob's Summer School? Well, hack off my leg and call me Peggy. I'm Professor Joe Bob, and tonight's class is Recreational Geography 207, where we find out whether our first movie, "National Lampoon's European Vacation," was just a good excuse for the stars to go to Europe -- and we can DO that, because we have not only the producer, Matty Simmons, as one of our guest lecturers, but we have the world's most famous expert on travelling all over the world without paying anybody for anything, the one and only Robin Leach. He'll stay with us for this movie and maybe our second one, too, Dan Aykroyd and John Candy in "The Great Outdoors." Now. Speaking of vacations, I want you to remember the one cardinal rule of all professional vacation-goers. [writes on blackboard] "Do Not Structure Your Damn Time." Do you understand what I'm saying here? For example, I have this friend Larry who's as rich as a sitcom star, and so every year at this time he takes one of those European cruises where you drink champagne every night and listen to bad cabaret acts and occasionally get off the boat to look at some Madonnas or sit at a seaside cafe with red-checkered tablecloths where you can guzzle the local vino for thirty bucks a pop. And they have all kinds of "programs" and "seminars" and "athletic activities" on board, so you can learn how to be a real-estate agent or a professional shuffleboard coach or find out who Marcel Proust was. Now here's the interesting part. On his daily schedule of all the "programs" and "seminars" and "cultural activities," there's always a place marked "Free Time." Like there's time that costs money, and then there's FREE TIME. But, no, that can't be what it means, because it ALL costs money on a cruise, whether you CALL it free or not. So what they mean is, there's PRISON time and then there's FREE time. This is when the guy's ON VACATION! This is when he's in the one place in the world where ALL the time is supposed to be free! What's wrong here? When I was a kid, I'd go to these science fairs where they had "labor-saving inventions of the future," and we were all supposed to be working twenty-hour weeks by now. But what happened? We invented all these labor-saving devices, everything got faster, and we have two-thirds LESS "Free Time" than we had twenty years ago. You know why? Because of guys like Larry who CAN'T STAND IT. They go on vacation and they're faced with this endless stretch of "Free Time," and they start to go crazy with guilt and nervousness. There's some great Yuppie Devil God in their gut crying out, "You could have done SEVENTY HOURS of work in the time you spent hanging around the Parthenon and chucking rocks in the Aegean. Your life is MEANINGLESS." And so they have "Free Time." They work just as much as they do when they're back home -- they're getting an education, or they're becoming culturally enlightened, or they're IMPROVING themselves -- and then, after they've done that, they can just barely face that agonizing hour of "Free Time." They can suck down a couple martinis without guilt, though, because they've just read part of a book about Giotto. They can USE that Giotto someday. They'll be talking to that West Coast sales rep who's into European art, and they can just casually mention that magic word -- "Giotto" -- and pretty soon they'll be bosom buddies for life. But tonight we're gonna teach you how to vacation right, by watching "National Lampoon's European Vacation," the follow-up to the comedy classic "National Lampoon's Vacation." "European Vacation" picks up as the Griswalds accidentally win a gameshow and embark on their first trip overseas, where they run people over, trash national monuments and make a general nuisance of themselves. Check it out, and we'll have Robin Leach popping out here to join us. [fading] Robin's gonna be slumming. Instead of doing "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous," he'll be doing "Lifestyles of the Hard-Up and Obscure." "NATIONAL LAMPOONS EUROPEAN VACATION Commercial Break #1 See, isn't this movie helpful as a travel tool? When planning your European vacation, just beat Paul Bartel and his family on "Pig in the Poke"! You know what's NOT a good sign, though? FOUR dream sequences, and the movie's barely 20 minutes old. Okay, let's not dwell on that, because it's time to welcome our first guest-lecturer of the evening, world-traveler extraordinaire, a guy who has been every place via every mode of transportation. The one and only Robin Leach. LEACH: How're you doing? Welcome to Joe Bob's Summer School. And all right, so here we are. LEACH: Only two places in the world I haven't been to. Really. What are they? LEACH: I haven't been to Burma, which is now called Myanmar and I haven't been to Papua New Guinea, where in some parts there's still cannibalism practiced. Really? LEACH: I don't want to wind up . . . You won't go there even to sample the cuisine? (LAUGHTER) All right, so here we are watching a movie about a European vacation. I would suppose that you have taken a vacation in Europe so many times that, well, let me ask it this way. The Griswalds -- they just checked into this worst hotel in London. LEACH: The worst. The worst. Have you ever gone out to do like a journalistic piece as part of one of your shows and ended up in some roach-infested nightmare? LEACH: No. It never happens. LEACH: I tell you the only thing that was really surprising to me in all my travels was in Cuba, where I went into a bedroom and I was the only person in the bedroom. But there were eight single beds in the bedroom. I wondered who the other seven friends (LAUGHTER) were going to be for the night. And who showed up? LEACH: No, fortunately nobody. Not even cigar farmers. So that was all right. Or unfortunate. All right. Have you ever . . . LEACH:. . . And the bed I was given was the furthest from the phone. That I never understood. (LAUGHTER) What, you couldn't switch beds? That was against the rules? LEACH: No they wouldnt let me switch beds. Against the rules. Have you ever paid for anything Robin? (LAUGHTER) LEACH: Is that the traditional Joe Freeload question? (LAUGHTER) Of course we've paid as we've gone around the world. Weve done it at a travel agent discount but no, we pay. We have to -- that's the law. Oh, even at the hotels . . . LEACH: Yes. that you're featuring in a show. LEACH: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You have to pay. Favorite destination in Europe? LEACH: In Europe, again it would be Italy. Italy? LEACH: Just like the Griswalds wind up there, the most spectacular country is Italy. And so after all your travels, its still good ol' Italy -- probably one of the most popular tourist destinations in the world. LEACH: Because they know how to live, those people. They have such a great lust for life. You know, they drink wine. They smoke cigars. They eat pasta. They don't care about anything other than . . . No smoking sections in a restaurant. (LAUGHTER) LEACH: No. None of that stuff. LEACH: This is the la bon vie, as they say in France. Of course most of our audience can only dream about places like that 'cause right now they're planning their trips to Six Flags over Bakersfield. (LAUGHTER) But you probably do those kinds of trips too. Ever do, like, low budget trips? Have you ever done that? LEACH: No. Never. (LAUGHTER) You've never been. LEACH: I dont, I dont . . . Youve probably never been to Six Flags have you? LEACH: Yes, in Dallas. You were there? Okay, the original Six Flags over Texas in Arlington. You went there? LEACH: Yes. How did you like it? LEACH: The roller coaster was great. And I went to the Six Flags in New Jersey with Bob Pittman, who used to run it, and on the Batman and Robin ride. What else would I go on? You've experienced it. But I doubt if you stayed at the Six Flags Inn across the street, did you? LEACH: No. And Motel Six is a strange name to me. (LAUGHTER) All right. Let's return to National Lampoons European Vacation and -- roll the film -- and then we'll talk some more at the next break. By the way, Robin. My eagle eye picked up Playboy Playmate of the Month for 1984 Tricia Lang as the game show hostess at the beginning of the movie. Now, did you ever do any Playmates on Lifestyles? That didn't come out right. Did you ever have any Playmates as Lifestyles guests? LEACH: I want you to try that even one more time. (LAUGHTER) No, but we did feature Hugh Heffner up at The Mansion, so a lot of the attractive, ah, decorations were hanging around. (LAUGHTER) So you went to the king? LEACH: Well, yeah, or the king came to the mountain. I don't know what that is but yeah, it was -- that's a palace. Palace of pleasure. Okay. I can imagine. (LAUGHTER) "NATIONAL LAMPOONS EUROPEAN VACATION Commercial Break #2 I don't mean any disrespect to the late Dana Hill, but she doesn't really seem right for this part. I think it would've worked better with that kinda laid-back prettiness of the original Audrey, Dana Barron. Hey, Robin, did I tell you I'm moving to El Lay? LEACH: No. You like El Lay don't you? LEACH: Yeah. It's one of your favorite places. Can you introduce me to some girls? LEACH: Ah, probably. Okay Robin. LEACH: You won't have a tough time handsome, tall, talented host. (LAUGHTER) Don't bet on that, Robin. Okay, let's get down to the nitty gritty all right? What are the best party towns in the world? Where can you go if you just really want to tear it up? LEACH: New York is the greatest party town in the world. Really? Right here in the USA. LEACH: Then the nightlife of Paris. Okay. Paris. That's a big one. LEACH: It used to be a great nightlife in Rome, but not so much any more since La Dolce Vita quieted down. Monte Carlo is also good during the summertime in San Tropez. And of course, in America, we have Las Vegas, which is the party city of the entire world. I need to start writing these down. Where can you go if you just want to tear it up and you don't want anybody in your immediate family to know what you did while you were there? LEACH: About four thousand miles away. Four thousand miles away . . . LEACH: Get four thousand away from the nearest family member. (LAUGHING) Yeah. And what, you findwhat city would that be? LEACH: It could be any city. You can have fun and games in any city of the world. Okay. But you know are there some that are kind of like special in, you know, special cities for like that dark, naughty side? LEACH: Paris. Paris is the best? LEACH: I would think so. Okay. LEACH: As you see in this movie when the Griswalds go off to the nightclub, they even find their own child in the Crazy Horse. Right. Well now, see, one reason I trust you, Robin -- even before you were world famous, I would have trusted you because you're English. And I trust the English guys on any kind of issue like this about nightlife, because, well But one thing I do, I make it a rule to never drink with English guys or at least try to drink as much as they drink. (LAUGHTER) Because now we -- now listen, hear me out. Wouldn't you agree, Robin, your countrymen do know how to put away cocktails? (LAUGHTER). And you will drink 37 different kinds of cocktails at dinner and sweet ones and everything and then at two in the morning somebody'll say, But we haven't had an after-dinner liqueur yet! The English like many many, many different kinds. Would you say this is true? LEACH: I would say that's true. Okay. (LAUGHTER) Well, all right, all right. Well keep working on that party list as we return to National Lampoon's European Vacation. Roll it. You know, the trouble with going to those kinds of places is that you can't remember 'em when you get home 'cause somebody told me that. . . LEACH:. . . they don't wish to remember them. Well maybe that's good 'cause . . . ROBIN:. . . explains why there is heavy drinking. I know, I know, 'cause somebody told me one time that they spent three days with me at Mardi Gras in 1985. I don't even remember even going there. (LAUGHTER) LEACH: We've forgot New Orleans. Yeah. Oh. LEACH: The greatest of them all. That's on the list. And it's naughty isn't it? LEACH: I don't how you define that. Oh, ho. Come on, okay? LEACH: There's no such thing as naughty. Oh, okay then I do understand you. (LAUGHTER) The whole list was naughty. "NATIONAL LAMPOONS EUROPEAN VACATION Commercial Break #3 And Chevy Chase takes his famous pratfalls to the extreme and knocks down Stonehenge. Ha ha ha. Lot of the gags in this movie don't really work, do they? LEACH: No, it was the model that didn't work in the movie. That's true. It was kind of cheesy wasn't it? LEACH: Did you notice that as well? Yes, I. . . LEACH: That's a lot of damage for a small English car to do that hardly backed up in reverse. Yes. Okay, Robin, now we're in Paris. First thing . . . LEACH:. . . ooo la la . . . Yes, we were just talking about Paris. Now, first thing that comes to your mind well, first of all, best hotel in Paris? LEACH: Oh, the Ritz. Best restaurant in Paris? LEACH: Um, boy. Well, Taurus would say Maxims, but it would be the new Alain Ducasse restaurant in Paris. Alain Ducasse. Alain Ducasse. Okay. Best place to see naked French girls? LEACH: Ah I would say, go to the Crazy Horse. Really? Still, after all these years . . . LEACH: They change the show every three months so . . . Okay. LEACH: They change the girls every three years. All right. I want to talk about Thailand. LEACH: My favorite country in all the world. Really? LEACH: Yeah. I love Thailand. Is Thailand really all its cracked up to be? You hear so many people . . . LEACH: Nicest people in the world. Yeah. LEACH: The most incredible food. Yeah. LEACH: Wonderful countryside. Wonderful Asian culture. How much does it cost? LEACH: You can get there quite inexpensively. Yeah. LEACH: Depends how you want to do it. If you want to go on a private, you know, G-5, it'll cost a lot of money. But if you want to go as baggage on a boat, it'll cost very little. Yeah (LAUGHTER) but you would never go as baggage on a boat, I mean LEACH: . . . I've only heard about doing those things. (LAUGHTER) The typical trip for you, though, I mean what would it cost for a week? Bangkok? LEACH: It makes a hard man humble. You could do Bangkok on a very, you know, on a grandiose scale of under five thousand for a week. And what does that include? Hotel? Meals? LEACH: Yeah. Everything. LEACH: Not the . . . . . . Okay. LEACH: Not the air transportation. Then Bangkok you could also do much more inexpensively because they have very, very small hotels. And then, of course, if you wanted to go to any of special places that Bangkok is somewhat known for (LAUGHTER). Well that's kind of what I was gettin' at. LEACH: You were getting to the Thai massage. Uh huh. LEACH: Was that what you were getting to? Uh huh. Yeah. LEACH: The two or three girls on a rubber raft. Yeah. LEACH: And the swimming pool? Yeah. I go with that. (LAUGHTER) You can actually stay overnight there. LEACH: I'm told its quite reasonable . . . I would assume. (LAUGHTER) Well, and you could probably stay overnight at those places. LEACH: You can stay for as long as you wish. Oh, so like you just spend seven days there -- you don't even need a hotel room. (LAUGHTER) LEACH: That's one way to look at it. (LAUGHTER) All right. I'm gonna need your home phone number, Robin (LAUGHTER), after this is over. Okay. That was an awfully short segment, so let's get back to the movie. You ever need somebody to do, like, script continuity on your crew or something? LEACH: Are you offering? Location scout. I'll be your (LAUGHTER) location scout. Yes, Im offering. LEACH: You're too tall to go to some of the places we go to. Too tall. LEACH: Yes. Too tall to go to Bangkok? LEACH: No. Not too tall to go there, but there are other places where only the short make it. Really? (LAUGHTER) I don't even want to think about what you're talking about. LEACH: I don't want you to think about what I'm talking about. (LAUGHTER) "NATIONAL LAMPOONS EUROPEAN VACATION Commercial Break #4 Well, that's a first. TNT is famous for holes in the dialogue where the cuss words should go, but I've never seen em bleep the subtitles before. And that scene where the dog jumps off the Eiffel Tower --that's obviously a reference back to the scene in the ORIGINAL "National Lampoon's Vacation" where they forget the dog is tied to the back of the station wagon and they kill the little guy. So this time you THINK the dog is gonna die, but then they go out of their way to show the dog swimming to safety in the river. I mean, why is everything so much SOFTER in this movie? Yeah, it's really not very good, and it was written by John Hughes, the guy who did "Breakfast Club" and all those famous movies in the eighties. "NATIONAL LAMPOONS EUROPEAN VACATION Commercial Break #5 So we KNOW that Audrey misses Jack. We got that. But you probly DON'T know that the guy who just played Fritz, the Bavarian relative, is the German comedy legend "Willy Millowitsch." And you know what cut-ups the Germans are. "Nehmen Sie meine Frau, bitte!" [Naymen-Zee miyna frow, bitta] You know what that means? "Take my wife, please." See, wasn't funny. Anyhow, it's getting crowded here at "Joe Bob's Summer School," we've got so many experts hanging out with us. Robin Leach, the world's most experienced tourist and traveller and . . . could I call you a libertine? AND Matty Simmons, producer of the National Lampoon movies, who for many years published and edited the funniest magazine in American history. Brian McConnachie--funny writer. That sequence where they rush through the Louvre. And then, of course, drinking out of the bedpan --that's always GREAT for laughs. You know what's different about this movie, Matty? There's no goal. In the first one, they had to get to Wally World, but in this one, they're just kinda . . . travelling. I'm sure Robin would agree with me. It's two against one. Did you tell John Hughes his script sucked for that reason? Okay, let's get back to the brilliantly conceived, but less than brilliantly executed, neverthless financially successful, "National Lampoon's European Vacation." Roll it. "NATIONAL LAMPOONS EUROPEAN VACATION Commercial Break #6 Okay, Matty, what's with the extended SHOPPING MONTAGE? The movie's almost OVER. And you're starting a Mafia subplot. What do you have to say for yourself? You know I'm moving to El Lay next week, Matty? I might be able to get you hooked up. As you may know, all our guest-lecturers get a book as a parting gift. We got you this one: it's called "Matador." I figured you could maybe make "National Lampoon's Spanish Vacation." Okay, we're gonna watch the conclusion to "National Lampoon's European Vacation," where we're finally gonna get some plot, believe it or not. So, roll it, and then we'll come back and talk some more to Robin Leach. [fading] Do you think of Chevy Chase as living out YOU on the screen, Matty? "NATIONAL LAMPOONS EUROPEAN VACATION Outro We just had the entire plot of the movie in the last ten minutes, didn't we? Accompanied by a little late-movie cameo by Moon Unit Zappa as Rusty's girlfriend. I should point out that there was some in-fighting of how they were gonna end that flick. Chevy Chase wanted it to be him sitting in front of the fireplace saying, "It's good to be home." But Matty Simmons pointed out that they were making a COMEDY, and then HE came up with what I think is a pretty funny ending, which is that they're all relieved to be home, and a guy with a camera crew knocks on the door, saying, "You've just won a trip to the Great Wall of China!" And Chevy's really happy, and he turns to the rest of the family, and they're all glaring at him, so he says meekly to the guy, "What's second prize?" But Chevy Chase was so p.o.ed at Matty that he'd ix-nayed HIS idea, that Chevy then ix-nayed Matty's idea, and they had to go with Amy Heckerling, the director's idea, which was the Statue of Liberty thing we just saw. And what do you expect from the director of "Look Who's Talking Too," the only flick we've ever given ZERO stars? © 2000 Turner Network Television. 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